May / June 2002 - Coupling

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Ring the Wedding Bills
Defining Love Differently
Quartet

Ring the Wedding Bills: The high cost of marital bliss
by A.J. Barnum

Ahh, the wedding: The moment many women have waited for since they were little girls. From the time many women are old enough to play dress-up, they are already imagining their wedding day: A day when they will walk down the aisle, elegant and beautiful, surrounded by admiring friends and family; a day when, for one shining moment, they will be absolutely perfect.

But that wedding-day perfection doesn�t come cheap. Every year, more than 2.2 million U.S. couples spend more on one day than they spent for four years of college. And every year, the wedding industry rakes in over $70 billion from those frantic, stressed men and women who are trying to create the perfect day for themselves and 200 of their closest friends and relatives.

According to Bride�s magazine, most wedding bells ring to a tune of nearly $20,000, and that the bill for a typical wedding in the New York Metro area is around $30,000. Many weddings ring in at nearly double and triple that. For couples (or their families) who have this kind of money stashed away, it may not be a big deal to blow nearly four years� worth of college costs on one day. But the reality is that most young couples can�t afford these high-priced shindigs and could be placing themselves in long-term financial debt.

It wasn�t always this way. I look back on my parents� wedding pictures from 1974 and I see a relaxed bride and groom in a simple white dress and a suit. My mom wore a wreath of flowers in her hair. Her one bridesmaid wore a plain dress she already owned. My grandmother made the carrot cake. No ice sculpture, no dove release at the end of the ceremony, no color-coordinated cocktail napkins.

Yet in 2002, here I sit wondering if my guests will be upset if I don�t get them a personalized party favor to remember my special day.

For richer and poorer
What is it that makes sane, rational women throw caution to the wind when it comes to planning their wedding? Even women who have never worn a dress in their life suddenly start feeling a need for full-length trains and tulle when their marriage day rolls around.

Of course, part of the explanation can be found in our own fantasies of what a wedding is "supposed" to be. Most brides also face pressure from their families and friends to have a picture-perfect wedding at all costs. But the biggest catalyst in the million-dollar marriage craze is so large and so nebulous that many women don�t even realize it�s there at all: The combined monopoly of the media and the wedding industry, two major players who have changed the face of weddings forever.

From the televised wedding of Charles and Diana in the summer of 1981, to movies like Father of the Bride, the media and the wedding industries have engraved in our minds exactly how to have the perfect wedding�spend lots and lots of money. Even Martha Stewart has had her hand in the mix, with her uncanny ability to turn tradition into commodity. And who can resist her? Surely that perfect bouquet of white daisies is all that stands between you and happily ever after.

Just pick up any bridal magazine, and among the articles (if you can find them) you�ll find a hundred ways to make your wedding a winner. Or check out www.sellthebride.com and you�ll see exactly how the industry tries to turn anything and everything into an absolute necessity for your big day. Who ever thought any woman would want to freeze dry her bouquet for $1,000 or have a miniature model of her wedding dress?

The wedding industry has taken advantage of that fantasy by turning your wedding day, the day you publicly declare a union with your beloved, into the perfect time for you to live out your childhood dreams. The industry added a twist to this fairy tale, though, when they added the hefty price tag.

"And the question is: Is it worth it?" Schwartz asks. The answer, according to Schwartz and others who are taking on the wedding industry, is a resounding "No."

"The industry wants to foster and augment that fantasy so if you don�t have that, you feel deprived," Schwartz says. "How much of a patsy do you want to be?"

And the wedding industry isn�t just sucking in the couple-to-be. It also has set its marks on the parents of both couples, the wedding party, and the guests. With the trend toward multiple showers and bridal registries (when the couple often already lives together and has more than they need), guests can shell out hundreds of dollars; the wedding party even more.

Even parents get pulled into the undertow. Marianne Hall, a Portland, Ore., artist and teacher, felt pressure from her family to get married to her long-time, live-in boyfriend.

"I was mortified to announce the news to my parents. I was giving in to their morals," Hall says. And when the time came, the pressure was so great that she even let her parents choose her dress. "I wanted something simple, but ended up with a big antebellum hat," she says.

Of course, these elaborate affairs are also fraught with etiquette-related perils for the new bride. Is it okay to wear a white dress if you�ve already lived with your partner for two years? How exactly do you tether a gold band to the ring bearer�s satin pillow? Once again, the industry has stepped in to help: Wedding planners and self-help books abound, offering advice in everything from thank you gifts to the proper way to behave at the bachelor party.

For many couples, it can be difficult not to buy into the whole notion of the expensive wedding. The wedding merchants aren�t selling engraved napkins and beaded veils; they�re selling "tradition" in the form of goods. Of course, the reality is that genuine tradition is not for sale. But it�s hard to remember that when dazzled by diamonds and delphiniums.

Still, at some point, many couples begin to wonder: If this is really my day, why does it feel like it belongs to the photographer, the florist, and the rest of the wedding industry?

"It�s wrong," Burton, purveyor of all things bridal, says. Going into serious debt for a wedding puts that much more pressure on a couple during the already stressful first year of marriage. Although she is a likely industry co-conspirator with her 650+ page wedding guide, she just might actually be a double agent for women who want to buck the system. A firm believer that the industry should not take advantage of the bride-to-be, Burton gives kudos to women who follow their heart.

"People will try to overwhelm you with ideas and advice," Burton says. And vendors will take advantage of those feelings by sneaking in hidden fees or selling you needless items.

To break away from the pressure, Schwartz and Burton both encourage couples to think about how else the money they might spend on a wedding could benefit their marriage.

Each year, more and more women choose to take the aisle less traveled, bucking the industry and choosing a day that means everything to them, rather than everything to their caterer, florist, videographer, dress maker and wedding consultant.

Emily Garrick, a Portland State student, found a way to beat the industry by including all the people she cares about in the planning process.

Garrick and her fianc� will say their vows at sunset on his family�s property in Corbett, Ore., this July; a family friend will marry them; her mom will supply the flowers from her nursery; and five different friends will make five different cakes for the reception.

"It takes a lot of will power to say, �I�m not going to be that way,�" Schwartz says.

"We�re not eight years old anymore," Leibovich says. "We�re not playing dress-up."

Leibovich launched indiebride in June 2001, right before she tied the knot herself in August. When Leibovich got engaged, she did what so many brides before her have done. She bought her first bridal magazine seeking advice for planning a wedding and preparing for married life.

She had hoped to find provocative, thoughtful articles on the many salient issues a bride deals with during an engagement � family, monogamy, money and marriage itself. What she found mostly centered around the wedding day itself.

"I was so shocked by how little there was out there; how adrift I felt," Leibovich says. "Marriage just begins with the wedding process and all those issues continue with the marriage."

Leibovich also didn�t like the assumptions and prescriptive formulas bridal magazines make for brides-to-be, such as all bridesmaids must wear matching dresses, and you must give your guests party favors.

"Favors?!? I gave favors away when I was six or seven years old!" Leibovich says.

And so indiebride was born. The website contains articles, essays and book reviews on all topics relating to love and marriage, a trousseau where women sell their used wedding attire, and links to other sites. On the site�s first day, Yahoo! chose it for its "site of the day" and indiebride got over 50,000 hits.

Leibovich says the most popular site feature is the kvetch area: a chat room covering topics from same sex marriage and eloping, to the bouquet toss and other antiquated traditions.

"Clearly women have a need to talk about these things," Leibovich says. So far, Leibovich hasn�t received a direct response from the industry except from some misguided solicitations from traditional bridal companies.

If there has been any response to indiebride and its partners in arms, it comes through in the industry�s recent embrace of "alternative" weddings. Magazines recently have offered tips on holding destination weddings, adding cultural traditions to the ceremony, or serving regional cuisine. And a new genre of wedding manuals has been created, with titles like Creative Weddings and Bridal Bargains.

However, Leibovich says the industry still hasn�t addressed the marriage � and really, why would they want to? The booming industry has no reason to change its moneymaking formula by adding provocative articles that might alienate their advertisers.

Burton, for her part, makes all her advertisers adhere to a format where they must disclose their services and prices. If she receives two complaints on a vendor, the vendor is out of the guide.

Indiebride and other anti-industry people do not oppose marriages or weddings. People like Burton and Leibovich are just tired of seeing brides-to-be taken advantage of by the fantasy machine. I for one have relaxed quite a bit since my love got down on one knee, and I know feel prepared to guard myself against industry pressures. I have already decided that I will not give out party favors no matter how important Martha Stewart says they are.

Ultimately, it won�t matter whether the industry responds to those who criticize it. Couples will still get married out of love and the desire to publicly declare their love for each other. And as long as the couple�s commitment to each other remains the centerpiece of the wedding, the industry will never be able to wholly commercialize the special day. NG

A.J. Barnum is a freelance writer living in Portland. She will tie the knot herself in July 2003. You can reach her at [email protected].

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Defining Love Differently
by Lisa Nuss

Prince Charming picks you to be at his side and you live happily ever after, or so the story goes. But what if Prince Charming doesn't do it for you? And what if monogamously ever after is not your idea of happy?

Despite many women�s desire for something different, the Prince Charming fairy tale is alive and well in modern relationship imagery. The Knight in Shining Armor, writes Jaclyn Geller in Here Comes the Bride: Women, Weddings & the Marriage Mystique, is still expected to "charge into a woman's life and infuse it with significance."

In Here Lies My Heart: Essays on Why We Marry, Why We Don't, and What We Find There, writer Rebecca Walker observes how so many people stay in relationships that keep them from growing: "I have seen people decide that the self found with their mate is the self they will remain �known, non-threatening, and undeniably safe � until death."

Waking Up
Maxine* is a woman who realized that she did not want to play the traditional wife. Her first marriage, in 1953, was a traditional one with clearly defined gender roles. After thriving in the intellectual environment of college, Maxine lived a Feminine Mystique life of wondering how staying home was supposed to be fulfilling. Soon after her first child was born, she started night classes toward her master's degree in psychology. She eventually divorced her husband when their daughter left for college.

In a recent interview with Nervy Girl!, Maxine says she knew the self she was in her first marriage was not authentic. She doesn't blame her first husband. She acknowledges that she was too dependent on him for decision-making. But she had the courage to end the marriage, an act that was uncommon in the early 1970s and carried a great stigma.

A few years after she divorced her first husband, she fell in love with Harold*, a much older man who was recently widowed. Because Harold was 25 years her senior, she knew she could not be with him the rest of her life. He was a very different man than her first husband. But she stresses that she was different, too. She learned to value separateness within the relationship, and not to take the other person for granted. By making herself stronger, she was able to be more trusting and ultimately, more vulnerable.

Although he passed away 20 years ago, she speaks of the eight years they had together with such affection; there is no regret or resentment in her voice. She recalls a favorite poem:

Fue bien vivir, Cuando vivias ("How good to live when you are alive").

Crossing the divide
In the fairy tales, the girl marries the strongest, bravest prince in the kingdom. In real life, a woman can marry a man � any man, under any circumstances � and be congratulated on her matrimony. A woman who makes any other choice is on her own to justify to herself and others that she is doing the right thing.

One night over a candlelight dinner, Kathy* surprised herself by telling her friend Allie* that she loved her. Kathy, a 51 year-old theater director, says their friendship had begun like all her other female friendships. But over time, Kathy had the same feelings for Allie that she had for her ex-husband when they married.

"I couldn't deny my feelings anymore," Kathy says, "but I didn't think I could be with her or [act on my feelings]."

U.S. society tends to be most comfortable when people are clearly labeled in one sexual camp or the other � homosexual or heterosexual. In Apples & Oranges: My Journey Through Sexual Identity, poet and novelist Jan Clausen examines how our culture limits acceptable ways of expressing desire. "Problematic at every level, the either/or framework presents especially grave problems for anyone trying to understand the range of women's erotic experiences," she writes. Clausen reviews research revealing that many women today have "flexible, fluid attractions" similar to Kathy's experience.

In fact, scientists know that sexuality is not confined to two extremes. Sex researcher Alfred Kinsey's famous Kinsey scale places people at various points along a spectrum. At one end is exclusive opposite sex attraction; at the other end is exclusive same-sex attraction. Whether and how you choose to act on your desires depends on where you fall on the scale, and is heavily influenced by culture.

Kathy and Allie did embark on a sexual relationship that lasted for about a year. Kathy says that at first she was terrified to have sex with a woman, but her erotic feelings were the same as when she had sex with a man. "All my theories about what homosexuality or sexuality [is] went out the window."

Still surprised that she was open to a same-sex relationship, Kathy admits, "I had trouble dealing with it. I'm ashamed to say I was cowardly in not wanting people to know we were a couple." But she describes her time with Allie with great affection: "We had great conversations, sexually we were very compatible. She was smart, witty and exciting."

Kathy now believes that sexuality is fluid. "Loving Allie made me more compassionate," she says. "I learned the world is bigger. It made me feel I was capable of loving men and women."

Reclaiming sensuality
Since popular U.S. culture encourages the girl to passively wait for the boy to choose, women who want to make their own choices have to take on a different mindset. There's a lot to untangle before we can figure out our real desires.

Clara*, a former Catholic nun, divides her life into before breaking her chastity vows and after. Before, she was a shy schoolgirl in the 1950s who just wanted to be good. Clara doesn't remember wanting to be married. "As the oldest daughter, I knew taking care of [a] home and kids wasn't glamorous," she says.

By the 1960s, many nuns and priests began to question the church's teachings and explore their sexuality. When Clara was 25, she fell in love with a woman she met outside the church. "I was unprepared to fall in love at all, let alone with a woman," she says. "There was extreme body chemistry with this woman. She aroused sexual feelings and passion within me."

Her break with the church was not immediate, although she continued the affair for a number of years. At age 35, after 20 years as a nun, she chose a different path. "I knew I couldn't fool myself anymore," she says. "I faced the fact that I wanted sex and I wanted a partner. I hated to have to hide."

Clara describes herself as bi-sexual. She remembers having sexual feelings for boys as a teenager. After she left the church she had a 10-year marriage, which really had more to do with convention than chemistry � she was still emerging into her full self. Thirteen years ago she found a deep connection with a woman and they have lived together in Oregon ever since.

Driven to "reclaim" her body and her sensuality, Clara quit teaching, trained as a massage therapist and now works with patients in body/mind therapy. Clara believes she was able to see how vital physical sensuality is to humans because of the extreme denial of physical senses in the convent. After years of denying her sensuality, she can clearly see how artificial our ideas about marriage and monogamy are.

Clara predicts that humanity is only beginning to explore: "We haven't begun to wear out all possibilities of relating to people."

Excavating the self
Of course, monogamous marriage is not organic; it is an artificial social structure. In What is Marriage For?, E.J. Graff finds the rules created around marriage are "constantly shifting to fit each culture and class, each era and economy."

Andie* had what our culture would call an ideal life. With a handsome young husband and child, she fit the Disney movie picture of fulfillment. Yet she did not feel fulfilled. She has known her husband since childhood and they have always been close. But after the birth of their first child, she felt like a "baby machine." She had married young and hadn�t had a chance to do much sexual exploration. "I didn't feel like the person I was supposed to be," she explains. A man she knew showed interest in her sexually, and her husband suggested she explore it.

They have always had a good sex life, but her husband realized this attraction was an indication that she had something to work out. Andie says the green light from her husband "wasn't an automatic Woo Hoo!" She went through a period when she thought to herself, "I'm married. What am I doing? I have a child. Am I a horrible person?"

She went on to have brief sexual intimacies with two men and one woman. She explains, "I enjoyed things I had never experienced. It was kind of exciting and thrilling for both my husband and me." She cautions that it was always safer sex.

When told this conjures up images of 1960s partner swapping parties, Andie says, "Oh, no. That's not my scene." She attended a swingers party once, and felt many of the couples who were swinging regulars were unhappy with their marital sex life or addicted to the swinging. It's been a few years since her encounters and she hasn't felt the desire for it since.

In her essay titled "Adultery," writer Louise Desalvo theorizes that straying is a search for the latent self. Although Desalvo was writing about the cheating kind of adultery, her theory can be applied to Andie. Andie needed to cast off the learned inhibitions and explore her sexual self.

Andie is probably an unusual case in that she was able to explore her true self while staying within her existing relationship. She clarifies that she doesn't know if this "opening up" is right for all couples: "I don't think it could work without real trust."

Beyond the conventional
Maxine, Kathy, Clara and Andie are four women who were surprised to find that they wanted something different than what women are traditionally expected to need. They all struggled with their choices, but ultimately the strength of their feelings left none of them in doubt about their own truth. When Maxine speaks of the loving trust in her second marriage, she says, "You have to have compassion for yourself before you can have compassion for someone else."

Andie's description of a relationship shows how much fuller the fairy tale can be: "I think of relationships in terms of a prism or a crystal," she says. "All cuts in a prism or crystal intersect, yet they are all in different planes. One is not necessarily more important than the others. They gather light from each other. I have one primary relationship, which I value more than anything. It's interesting that when you do find that situation, you are so trusting and so want each other's happiness. [Together, you want to find the] ability to change and to not get stuck in certain places. You can open yourself up to other possibilities." NG

Lisa Nuss holds both a master's degree in public policy and a law degree, and has worked in several positions in law and government. Her writing has appeared in The San Francisco Examiner, The Oregonian and The East Oregonian.

�Do you have someone special?� my grandfather asked me during my niece�s second birthday party, pointing at the thin silver band wrapping my left ring finger.

Blushing, I danced around the question, giving my seasoned, but shallow, explanation, "A friend gave me the ring." It�s an explanation that is so fractionally truthful it�s more like a white lie. By the time she was in her early 20s, my sister was a pastor�s wife with one daughter and a second child on the way. So how do I explain to my grandfather, surrounded by conservative in-laws in a religious household, that, yes, I do have someone special: Her name is Erin, and she wears a matching silver ring?

For lack of a better word, Erin is my life partner; she�s also my friend and my lover. But this is not simply a story of lesbianism; Erin is married to a man, and I�m not lesbian. In fact, as I write this story, there is a male companion softly snoring next to me. This is not a messy love triangle that needs exposure, a Gen-X swinger�s arrangement, nor a bi-sexual free-love lifestyle. We are three unique couples overlapping without defined roles and only a few strings of commitment. There is no simple way to explain to curious grandfathers and relatives that I have two special someones.

A week before her wedding, I received a card from Erin. Inside is written, "I make too much sense without you."

Erin and I met when I was in my late teens. I discovered her because she was the subject of my then-boyfriend�s wandering romantic interest. Oddly enough, I found Erin too compelling to bear a grudge; and long after the boyfriend had faded from the picture, Erin and I began to tentatively cultivate a friendship.

Her magnetic beauty and compelling intelligence drew me in; and I was charmed by her infectious laughter, which bursts with a sort of triumphant glee. While awkwardly sandwiched somewhere between friendship and love, we experienced those first obsessively romantic months that all couples have. I craved her attention, time and touch � the sparkle of falling in love was at its most blindingly beautiful.

Yet, Erin was simultaneously beginning a traditional heterosexual relationship with Gabe. I attempted to satisfy my craving for her by pursuing other women. Our relationship lacked definition. Amidst the foggy boundaries it was impossible to deny our feelings, but our involvements with others forced us to deny ourselves the gratification of a typical lesbian relationship. These trials necessitated that our relationship be built on an unprecedented amount of creativity and strength; with it we built an intimate friendship � one stacked with all the emotional satisfaction, tradition, comfort, affection, reliability, and compassion that is found in traditional couplings. We wear our rings and quietly trust the quirky foundations of our life partnership.

As Erin and Gabe progressed through dating, sex, living together, moving together, engagement and eventually marriage, I have always been in the background, or the foreground, with my antics and entertaining life dilemmas. While they were building a stable and committed life together, I was trekking through insane instability (moving a total of 12 times in four years). I even faced poverty and a massive internal emotional war.

Erin and Gabe have been my family for holidays, my encouragement, and the foundation that motivates me to untie my many tangled knots and become a healthier person. Our relationship is my haven. Their commitment proves to me, despite rising divorce rates and my own deeply rooted fear of abandonment and commitment, that stability and security are possible.

Like a rhythm section of a jazz band, they are the necessary foundation for a complete and artistic life. Ours is a life complete with sad lyrical saxophone solos, brilliant arching crescendos, and all the joy and potential that can be found in any improvised moment.

Within our trio, I have learned to slow down, trust and improvise, laugh loudly, and stay put long enough to build a home and share my creations.

Erin explains to me, "I can marry Gabe because he�s OK with how I feel about you."

Less than a year ago, I officiated Erin and Gabe�s marriage. I was ordained through an Internet service � I wed them before our friends and their families. I�m not sure how Erin explained it to anyone else, but she confessed to me that it wouldn�t feel right unless I too was a part of the marriage. I have been there since the beginning � it seems natural that I should commit to being the third wheel that works until the end. We trust each other and we work to be good for each other, and so it seems right that the honor of witnessing, declaring and blessing their marriage should be mine.

A year ago I met Ryan, a man who moved slow enough not to startle me and whose emotional sensitivity was deep and acute enough to naturally accommodate even my chaotic and expansive moods. The haven of Erin and Gabe provided me emotional security and eliminated my need for boyfriends or short-lived romance.

From that foundation I have built a companionship with Ryan. Our vow is simple: to only ever work to make, experience and offer each other happiness. He appreciates my commitment to Erin and Gabe, and he finds himself happy in their presence. As I was discussing with him the possible angles for this article, he made a simple request: "The guy who sleeps in your bed wants to know where he stands."

I hope time will prove that he is the man who turns our jazz trio into a quartet, offering a final point of stability and fuller expression. Erin and I have each other � we cannot be women or writers, or love the men we love, without each other as a source of joy and comfort.

I do not yet know if Ryan will be my equivalent to Erin�s Gabe. I watch as he carefully slides the record from its sleeve and adjusts John Coltrane to the perfect volume so that we can sit in bed, mull over a crossword puzzle, and unwind after a busy day. I wonder if he will continue to naturally settle into my life and become part of our family. I lack words to contrive a definition of life with Ryan. All I have is the simple comfort of two people who are happiest when subtly existing within each other�s lives.

Inside the cover of a story I wrote for Erin is inscribed a line from an Ani Difranco song, "What�s beyond you is hidden from sight."

We are young 20-somethings. We have career dreams and travel dreams, we want to run businesses, write novels, make movies, and have Ph.D.�s. The blank page of my future starts with the silver ring wrapped around my finger. Yes, I do have someone special. To the outside world we may appear to be four intense friends who may drift apart, but I know that what my sister has found in her traditional nuclear family I have found with Erin and Gabe, and Ryan. These partnerships overlap to create the family I have chosen to build my life with.

I do not know if appropriate words exist for our bonds, commitments and relationships; and I do not know how to explain us to our families, employers, or friends. We are most like a jazz quartet: improvising our way through the undefined and awkward moments and making music beautiful enough to create a family that is quirky, healthy and good. NG


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