Closing the Gap
by Michelle Milne

From her office in midtown Manhattan, Stephanie Grosenbeck saw the fireball that engulfed the WTC tower after the second plane hit and watched the South Tower crumble to the ground. She still lives and works in New York City:

I wanted this to be eloquent. Something that would speak volumes and sound intelligent or profound. The truth is, I have no insight to offer and no words of comfort for anyone. My emotions have gotten the best of me. I am tired and scared, and dare I say -- feeling numb. Right now they are evacuating buildings around me because of the NBC employee in midtown who has contracted Anthrax. The city is on the highest government status alert in existence. We are expecting more terrorist attacks somewhere in this country over the weekend, they say. I am amid shouts of �Don't take the subways!�, �Stay away from tall buildings!� and �Avoid crowds!�.

People say these kinds of things age you, that you�re forced to grow up and look at life as an adult in times of crisis. I disagree. I feel like a little kid. I feel helpless and out of control. My securities are gone and the door is open. Anything can happen. I don't know what to do or where to go. My thoughts are jumbled, and sometimes I even think I am starting to become numb to all of this.

There is no �six degrees of separation� in New York right now. There is no separation of anything. Everyone in this city lost someone or knew someone who lost someone. It is around me everyday -- on the subway, in posters of lost ones, in donations which can be made on every corner of this city. In the sad, scared faces of the people with whom I commute. These people used to be strangers, but they are now friends. We are not separated; we are brought closer together because we share the same sorrow and the same wonderment and disbelief. In the beginning we were frantically searching for friends, family and loved ones. Now we are attending daily funerals and memorial services.

For the rest of my life, I will never be able to tell you what it is like here. There are millions of others who, throughout the years, have also borne witness to terrors and tragedies. My heart is with them now too, because to go through something like this is unimaginable. The word �normal� is not one I will ever take lightly again. Nor will it be a word we use for quite some time. I can tell you the details of the things I've seen - the military lining the streets, the posters of missing people, the hundreds and hundreds of flower graves, the smell and the smoke that are still in the air one month later, the disbelief, fear and sadness on peoples faces and in their hearts and the outpouring of support that makes me proud to live in New York and in America. But I will never be able to tell you what it is like here.

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Letters Home
by Meg Daly and Sue Mortenson

Editors� Note: In the late 1990s, editors Meg Daly and Anna Bondoc began discussing ways to connect women of different generations in conversation and mentorship. They asked women in their 20s and 30s to write letters to older women, such as Ntozake Shange, Judy Blume and Gloria Steinem. The letters covered many issues: from women in sports and the military to goddess worship; from the role of journalism today to homophobia and racism. The older women wrote letters back to the younger women, responding to their questions and concerns. These letters were published in the 1999 book Letters of Intent: Women Cross the Generations to Talk About Family, Work, Sex, Love and the Future of Feminism. In this vein, Meg Daly corresponded with her own mother to create the following letters for Nervy Girl! readers.

Dear Mom,

Now that I am 32 and you only 55, it often feels like we are sisters as much as daughter and mother. Yet we came of age in radically different generations. Yours was the generation of the antiwar movement, Yippies,* Black Panthers and the �Second Wave� of feminism. That wave, however, never quite crashed over you and your peers in Utah. In fact, I would guess that millions of young women in the 1960s did just what you did: got married and had a kid by the time you were 23. Any thoughts of a career or other dreams were supplanted by the daily duties of mother and wife. Your revolution was still to come.

As for me, I took to feminism in college like a fish to water (as opposed to a fish to a bicycle, that famous slogan for how much a woman needs a man.) The Second Wave had left a strong current that buoyed and carried my generation out to those deep waters of our independent selves. At first, I think you were unsure of the changes in me. Do you remember it that way? I remember volunteering at the Rape Crisis Hotline and also being very active in the Gender Studies Symposium at my college. When I invited you to the Symposium my junior year, you doubted that it would be something in which you would want to participate. Yet, only two years later when I had graduated and moved to New York, you yourself were volunteering at your local domestic violence agency and talking about the injustices you witnessed in your own community. Was your decision to work at the DV agency influenced by my experiences?

When I was the age you gave birth to me, I was living alone in New York City, having an out relationship with a woman, working on a manuscript for a book, building a career in arts management. It can be lonely and scary being an independent woman, breaking from one�s roots and venturing forth into uncharted waters. You know that feeling too, especially now, as a single woman with a successful career as a potter and a beautiful home in the mountains you love. You belong to a dynamic � and multigenerational � group of women in your town. Do you all talk about what it feels like to be the second wave of the Second Wave? What questions or reflections do you have for me, for my generation?

Mom, you have always encouraged me and supported me in being myself and pursuing my dreams. I can�t imagine a more feminist-mom thing to do. Thank you.

Love, Meg

Dear Meg,

Thanks for such a thought-provoking letter. There are many things I would love to continue talking about but, because time is limited, I�ll limit my comments. Salt Lake City, where I was during my college years, was definitely not in the forefront of the antiwar movement. In the late 1960s, while our male classmates were going to war or dodging the draft, women could protest the war but had very few choices in terms of post-college career options. I chose to marry young and start a family. I had studied The Feminine Mystique in high school and so had been introduced to a new way of looking at myself as a woman. But that was not reflected in the world, neither in my life nor in the lives of women around me. Some women chose to become hippies, enter communes, take a lot of drugs, etc. Their lives were essentially much like mine. Despite the revolutionary feel of the times, most women still saw little evidence of respect and equality in their marriages, in child-rearing or in the world at large.

My own independent expression grew gradually, in rather quiet ways, as you and your brother grew. I explored my creativity and made that into a way of life. I learned the importance of deep communion with other women. It wasn�t until you began to come of age in the late 1980s that I also allowed myself to be single.

What interests me particularly in your letter is your reference to the multigenerational community of women here that is such a big part of my life. As I have observed and participated in this dynamic, changing group over the years, I have noticed that we grow in consciousness as a group, irrespective of individual age or generation, so that one person�s individual desire to grow more actively involved with expressing her own abilities in the world is mirrored in and supported by the whole group. This observation has led me to believe that feminism is really a multigenerational response to our needs as women. Even those women who never considered themselves to be feminists, through their active conversations about their experiences, can influence us in profound ways to examine and speak about our own experience. And this sharing, in the tradition of women�s circles through history can at least be supportive and at best be life-changing.

My perception of the 1980s and 1990s is that all generations simultaneously participated in and were influenced by the feminist movement reaching deeply into individual lives. I guess I don�t really see that our generations are different in this way. Certainly we responded differently because of our ages, but all women have benefited enormously and simultaneously. The biggest difference with your generation is that your men were profoundly changed by their mothers� and their schools� inclusion of feminist principles. My generation and the generation ahead of me (women in their 70s) still do not have as many men who are comfortable with shared family responsibilities and strong women. Your generation really sets the example for us in this. And your dedication and enthusiasm is always inspirational.

Your generation has challenged us to move ahead and make real changes. The senior generation gives me an example of grace and wisdom to follow. They are strong mentors. It seems so important for women to participate in great, deep conversations with other women of all ages so that our wisdom can be shared. I always welcome the opportunity to continue our dialogue.

Love, Mom

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The Twentysomething Blahhs
by Jodi Helmer

�It may be the single most concentrated period during which individuals relentlessly question their future and how it will follow the events of their past. It covers the interval that encompasses the transition from the academic world to the 'real' world � an age group that can range from late adolescence to the mid-30s but is usually most intense in twentysomethings. It is what we call the �quarterlife crisis,� and it is a real phenomenon.� So write best-selling authors Alexandra Robbins and Abby Wilner in their book: The Quarterlife Crisis: The Unique Challenges of Life in Your Twenties.

Twentysomethings from Washington, D.C., Robbins and Wilner were inspired to write the book based on their personal experiences and those of friends around them. Robbins says, �(They) were embarrassed not to have a glamorous life in their twenties but weren't talking about it.�

According to Robbins, the quarterlife crisis is a completely natural response to facing identity issues we haven't grappled with before. �The barrage of self-interrogation and the spiral of self-doubt,� says Robbins, �are a reaction to trying to work yourself between young adulthood and adulthood.� This is a reaction that Robbins admits to feeling herself.
�I took the first job offered to me after college,� she says. �The pay was good, the commute was good, and the people were nice. I took it and hated it. I suffered through it for months. I could no longer identify myself by my college or my major. I only identified myself by my job. And if I hated my job, what did that say about me? I quit the job after eight months. I didn't get over my quarterlife crisis until I wrote the book and found out I wasn't alone.�

In Quarterlife Crisis, Robbins and Wilner say that the most widespread, frightening, and quite possibly the most difficult manifestation of the quarterlife crisis is a feeling that can creep up on a twentysomething regardless of their levels of self-esteem, confidence and overall well-being. �Twentysomethings are particularly vulnerable to doubts,� they say. �They doubt their decisions, their abilities, their readiness, their past, their present and future�but most of all, they doubt themselves.�
What the F%$# am I going to do with my life? Unlike the more predictable decades ahead, the twenties are racked with stressful changes, the least of which is deciding which direction our lives are heading. And while we're contending with these choices, we must also deal with the realization that we're still not adults. Yes, that's right: turning twenty does not magically propel us into adulthood. According to Julia Bourland, author of Go-Girl Guide: Surviving your 20s with Savvy, Soul and Style, the twenties are about transitioning into adulthood. This is a process, says Bourland, that can take years. It can require more therapy, mental energy and monthly splurges than we can endure or afford, leaving even the most well-adjusted among us slightly crazed.
�I constantly feel like I am trying to validate my choices to my family, friends, and especially myself,� says Tonya, 26. �Half of me yearns for the life I thought I would have, and the other half is waiting for what may be; this leaves the whole of me stagnant and rotting. I'm not happy where I am, and the thought of doing anything new tires me. I panic when I think how fast life is flying by, and I feel stuck � stuck, yet, at the same time, maybe just unwilling to take that next socially defined step to someplace I don't want to be.� Not only is it difficult to take the giant leap of faith required to alter the course of our lives, it's near impossible to decide which direction to follow. Making matters worse, twentysomethings are constantly barraged with messages from parents and the media reminding us that these are supposed to be the best years of our lives.
As 27-year-old Megan knows, the sheer number of choices available to twentysomethings is overwhelming: �Sometimes I begrudge all the choices I have. I used to wish that I lived in my grandmother's generation, and I had two choices: be a nurse or be a teacher. It's a terrible thing to say, but I think the source of most of my anxiety about life is that I have far too many choices.�

Financial Chaos

Somewhere between our final semester of college and putting together an interview-worthy wardrobe, we find ourselves trying to shovel our way out of auto and credit card debt. Add to that the stress of paying back student loans, searching for an affordable roach-free abode, a job that will pay for that abode, and scraping together enough money for insurance coverage; and we're broke. Flat broke. We find ourselves sitting on hand-me-down furniture eating more than our fair share of Ramen noodles, while wondering if everyone our age is feeling the same sense of financial doom. �As twentysomethings, we have strong feelings of resentment for having debt to repay before we've even lived,� says Bourland. �We feel deprived of the fun and frivolous twentysomething experience we imagined after watching countless episodes of Friends.� In fact, according to Quarterlife Crisis, financial concerns are often a driving force behind the dashed expectations of twentysomethings who don't realize the impact that money (or lack of it) will have on their lives. But Bourland says there is good news: �If we're diligent about pursuing raises and better-paying jobs, we will begin to make more than the below-poverty-level salaries we started off with at the dawn of the decade.�
Now, it's just a matter of finding a job worthy of our hard work�

Entry-level Initiation

�I consider myself lucky that I know what I want to do with my life,� says Sam, 27. �My crisis isn't about knowing what I want to do; it's about how to get there. I have always believed that if you worked really hard, you would be rewarded, and that you would be able to follow the career path that you wanted. I am now discovering that this is not always the case.� According to Robbins and Wilner, a major factor in the quarterlife crisis is that real life doesn't turn out to be what many twentysomethings expect. After years of being told they can be whatever they want to be and do whatever they want to do, twentysomethings eventually come to the realization that not everything is attainable.
�My friends and I are continually striving to meet the expectations of what the life of a twentysomething is supposed to look like, and along the way we're continually met with challenges that prevent us from getting there,� says 25-year-old Sarah.
�As a teenager, it seemed as though I would simply go to college, pick a major, graduate, and get a job,� she adds. �It hasn't worked out that way. Since graduating from college three and a half years ago, I have had several jobs: five to be exact. The major that I chose in college didn�t lead to the career I had dreamed it would, and overcoming the challenge of finding a job that is related to my college major has been a difficult hurdle. Realizing that I was in the wrong field caused me to do a lot of soul searching. I've definitely been making decisions through a process of trail and error. For now, I feel as though I am in a good career position; however, I am definitely starting at the bottom.�

The Mating Frenzy

In case one wasn�t feeling enough pressure to find the perfect job, perfect apartment, and perfect life, many twentysomethings also report feeling pressure to find the perfect mate. �It seems that everyone around me is in a relationship and I'm not,� says Sam. �I find it difficult to meet new people and am pretty decided about what I am looking for, and I am not willing to settle. I think there is a great deal of pressure to be in a relationship, especially when I continue to receive wedding invitations that read, 'and guest'. Eventually you start to wonder, 'will I ever meet someone?'�
The annoying aspect of taking your sweet time to find a mate and then decide if this is �the one� is that the longer the wait, the more societal pressure there is for settling down, says Bourland. And this pressure will continue to increase as you receive a myriad of invitations to attend friends' weddings where, inevitably, the bouquet is hurled toward you.

The End of a Decade

As twentysomethings struggle to embrace this chaotic time in their lives, Robbins and Wilner remind us that life is not mathematics: there is no one right answer. �Instead of black-or-white, right-or-wrong choices,� they say, �the plethora of alternatives out there generally falls into a hazy gray area. At the same time, it also might not be realistic anymore for twentysomethings to believe that one thing -- one job, one home, one romantic partner -- will reach the flawless ideal they envisioned as children.�
At 29, Kate is just arriving at that realization. �I always thought that in my twenties I would have my life figured out. I'd be married, have kids, and be totally happy and fulfilled in my career and my life. Well, it hasn't exactly worked out that way, but that's okay with me. Now that my 20s are almost over, I've discovered that life truly is a journey, and when I'm 30,40, or even 50, I will never have it all figured out. I entered my 20s with great hopes for the future and the person I'd become. Now I continue to have hope and focus more on the person that I am and the way my life is constantly evolving. Although it's a bit frightening to not know exactly how my life is going to play out, it's reassuring to know that I am in control because the choices and decisions that I make every day help make me the person I'm in the process of becoming.�
No matter what their age, most women will eventually find themselves in the midst of something akin to a quarterlife crisis � struggling with identity issues and trying to navigate the real world with style. Recognizing the quarterlife crisis as a real phenomenon can help women face the overwhelming number of choices that characterize this generation. As one twentysomething so aptly put it,
�Welcome to the real world. It's not exactly what I thought it'd be, but here I am.�

All photographs by Shanna Germain.

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We speak: Women Respond to 9.11
Compiled by Michelle Milne

As we watched TV, read the papers, and tried to find a sense of understanding in the aftermath of the terrorist attacks on Sept. 11, we began to realize that the majority of information we received came from a male point of view. Whether it was political strategists or police officers, late-night talk show hosts or terrorist experts, there seemed to be few women in the ranks. Here, we pull together some women�s responses to the recent world events:

�Being together, we can move beyond that feeling of being helpless on the face of the earth. I think women feel this in a particular way. I wish that mothers, the women, the daughters of all these nations could somehow come together in some way that hasn�t happened in other channels, even across the United Nations.�
-Barbara Lundblad, Associate Professor at Union Theological Seminary and Lutheran Minister, New York

�As a community, we are very scared. We are afraid to send our children to school. My daughter took her son out of Muslim school and is enrolling him in public school. She is just so terrified that he will become a target of violence if he stays in the Muslim school. This is worse than during the Gulf War, when our children were beaten up in school and all brown people, including Pakistanis, were under attack. One of the mosques put out a fatwa (religious edict) saying that women can take off their scarves if they are afraid at work. But this is like telling a Muslim to take off all her clothes and walk around in public.�
- Sharifa Alkhateeb, President of the North American Council for Muslim Women in Northern Virginia

�It was a blank check to the president to attack anyone involved in the Sept. 11 events�anywhere, in any country, without regard to our nation�s long-term foreign policy, economic and national security interests, and without time limit. In granting these overly broad powers, the Congress failed its responsibility to understand the dimensions of its declaration. I could not support such a grant of war-making authority to the president; I believe it would put more innocent lives at risk.�

- Rep. Barbara Lee (D-CA) explaining in an editorial to the SF Chronicle why she voted against giving President Bush full authority to attack anyone involved in the Sept. 11 attacks. The final vote was 420-to-1.

�The voices of women must be heard as to how the world community should respond in the coming days. There are many women�s groups around the globe working for peace and against war, terrorism and oppression. Women should be at the table along with men when decisions are made as to the future of our country and the world.�
-Martha Burk, Chair, National Council of Women�s Organizations

�Men make war. Women become special victims of it. Men have been the primary spokespersons in these events. We are bombarded with men�s assessment of acts in which men who were trained by men continue to think like men, and the idea that if we cannot achieve our selfish ends by peaceful means, then we will violently destroy other men, women, children and even ourselves to effect some change. No matter if that change, in the end, brings about only more violent destruction for other men, women and children and for the general moral fiber of human civilization. We will not have a world if we continue to leave it up to the big boys. It is time they sit down and learn to listen to a message of peaceful coexistence that women have experienced from the village to the city for many generations. The Quranic message is simple on this: �We made you into nations and tribes so that you might know one another, not so that you might despise one another.� When will we learn?�

-Dr. Amina Wadud, Associate Professor of Islamic Studies, Virginia Commonwealth University

�The U.S. should redefine these horrific attacks as crimes, crimes against humanity, rather than the beginning of a war. Washington should pull back from its bullying and its threatened use of force against Afghanistan, Pakistan, and indirectly against virtually every Middle Eastern country, and instead try to recreate a new kind of cooperative internationalism based on U.N. resolutions, international law, and a commitment to fighting for justice rather than vengeance. And then, perhaps it is not too much to hope that the U.S. will begin, finally, to examine its own policies in the Middle East and beyond. Policies that have themselves given rise to a sea of poverty, disempowerment and despair�the sea in which small guppies of anger and resentment can, over generations, grow larger and more powerful than anyone ever imagined.�

- Phyllis Bennis, Fellow of the Institute for Policy Studies in Washington, D.C. and of the Transnational Institute in Amsterdam

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Growing Old Gracefully
by Leah Bobal

When they walk into a restaurant, into the ladies room, or even down the street in a parade, this group of 50-something women is making heads turn.

Unlike the Ladies of Rylstone, they aren�t taking their clothes off for an annual calendar. Nor are they sitting in the park, watching the ducks fly by. When they step out of the house, donning red hats and a dash of purple, this new breed of middle aged women�dubbing themselves The Red Hat Society�are simply enjoying life. Inspired by the now classic poem, �Warning, When I Am Old I Shall Wear Purple� by Jenny Joseph, members of the Red Hat Society are growing older a little less gracefully.

What exactly does the Red Hat Society do, you ask?
�We do nothing,� says Sue Ellen Cooper, founder and current Queen Mother of the Red Hat Society. Cooper describes the group as a �dis-organization.� �It�s sort of the anti-everything we�ve ever done up to this point.�

It all began rather simply, when Cooper gave her friend Linda Murphy a copy of Joseph�s poem and a vintage red hat for her 55th birthday in 1997. When her other friends expected the same gift for their birthdays, Cooper delivered. They soon realized that they evolved into a sort of �Red Hat Society.� And as the poem�s narrator warns that she will��wear purple and a red hat which doesn�t go, and doesn�t suit me,� these ladies too went out with red hats and purple outfits.

The Red Hat Society phenomenon quickly spread after an article about the group was picked up across the U.S. by Knight-Ridder in December 2000. There are now 920 branches of the Red Hat Society in the US; 30 in Canada; along with handfuls in Mexico, Australia and New Zealand.

�We do not have any rules,� says 57-year-old Cooper, an artist and mural painter. �We insist that we have no rules, we don�t have to do anything, that�s the spirit of the group. Any chapter can make of itself what it wants.�

Some chapters prefer donning baseball caps and heading out for beer�other chapters enjoy svelte suits and a bit of bubbly. Crimson Crones�the Portland, Ore. chapter�recently spent a relaxing afternoon having lunch aboard the Portland Spirit Members include empty nesters, doctors, judges�one member is a circus clown�along with teachers, retirees, mothers, daughters of diverse ethnic and socio-economic backgrounds. Peggy Hodo, of the Southern Scarlet Hatters in Alabama writes, �This organization proves that women from different backgrounds and with different personalities and ideas can come together and just have FUN.�

Though the group was originally founded for women age 50 and over, the Red Hats now welcome younger women into their ranks. Members currently range in age from early 20�s to early 90s. There�s even talk of having a �REDuation� ceremony for members when they reach 50. �I want to change the way we view 50,� said Cooper. �Not even just the culture�s perspective, but the way we ourselves view it. We have to find what�s good about it. It�s not all a loss.�

What benefits can women enjoy at 50 and beyond?
While Cooper points out the commonly held notion that we grow wiser as we grow older, she also stresses that women are more open to each other in the later years of life. Competition between women to be prettier, or more successful, isn�t any longer a reality. In essence, sisterhood becomes more important. Women over 50 can revel in the eloquent words of Maya Angelou, or the experience of Katherine Graham and see a bit of themselves. They are no longer nameless, faceless, silenced, or ignored. And as the number of women over 50 soars�be they Red Hats or not�be warned. They�re not going to press on quietly.
�We�re not going to follow the way our moms grew older,� said Cooper. �We�re not going to just disappear. We�re not through having fun, and we�re gonna help each other do that.�

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